


therapy goat

by watfordbird33



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Chatting & Messaging, F/M, Goats, Gratuitous Auden references, Joni Mitchell, Online Dating, Seattle, Texting, chatfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-09-07
Packaged: 2020-07-30 10:51:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20096062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watfordbird33/pseuds/watfordbird33
Summary: prongs: What are you doing right now?pavedparadise: Like, right now? Or like, figuratively right now?prongs: Are you being arbitrary because you’re on the toilet?pavedparadise: Yes, actuallypavedparadise: How’d you know?prongs: Uncanny sixth senseprongs: Also the cameras I’ve installed in your bathroom





	1. eternity

**Author's Note:**

> This is a self-indulgent chatfic filled to the brim with plotholes, Joni Mitchell song titles, and badly researched Seattle landmarks. It's about six chapters (completed), and will be updated once a week. If you're uncomfortable with graphic blasphemy, sexual references, or anything of the sort, consider yourself warned. 
> 
> Lily is pavedparadise (lyrics from "Big Yellow Taxi" by Joni Mitchell)  
James is prongs

_ Looking up at the stars, I know quite well _

_ That, for all they care, I can go to hell... _

W.H. Auden, "The More Loving One" (1960)

**You have one (1) new message request!**

**Sender:** _ prongs_

**Subject: ** _Thoughts on eternity?_

**CONFIRM?**

_prongs:_ I really don’t have any particular interest in eternity, but I’m conducting a social experiment to determine whether people are more likely to open my messages if I give them impossibly deep subject lines. Thanks for participating

_pavedparadise: _What was your control variable?

_prongs: _?

_pavedparadise: _Like what was the alternative to the impossibly deep subject lines?

_prongs: _Just a winky face sent by the screen-name grand_richard2

_prongs: _I didn’t initiate anything with the one person who responded positively to that :-/

_prongs:_ I’m not that much of a jerk

_prongs: _Also I couldn’t possibly tolerate anyone idiotic enough to consider that a pick-up

_pavedparadise: _And if people responded positively to your eternity clickbait?

_prongs: _No one has yet. I’m pretty sure I can conclude that Grand Richard wields more effective weapons in the modern era

_pavedparadise: _Okay, I’ll bite

_pavedparadise: _I’m fucking terrified of eternity

_prongs: _Now it’s 1-1!

_prongs: _You’re messing up my conclusion!!

_pavedparadise: _Is this for school?

_prongs: _It’s for a bet

_prongs:_ My friends and i take our bets very seriously

_prongs: _You still there?

_pavedparadise: _Feeling kinda cheated out of a discussion on eternity

_pavedparadise: _Not gonna lie

_prongs:_ If you want to discuss eternity, you should probably look somewhere besides this fucking site

_pavedparadise: _I assume your participation on this site was also due to a bet?

_prongs: _There were a lot of bets. Interwoven

_prongs: _Russian nesting doll type situation

_prongs: _Why? You don’t actually derive any kind of satisfaction out of frequenting a site like this, do you?

_pavedparadise: _I wouldn’t call it satisfaction

_prongs:_ Okay—rephrasing. You don’t actually think you’re going to find your one true love on a site like this, do you?

_pavedparadise:_ I don’t believe in love

_prongs:_ No?

_pavedparadise:_ And you do? Having systematically forced a social experiment on the people looking for it?

_prongs:_ Love and science CAN go hand in hand, you know

_prongs:_ But no, I don’t really either. It’s why (until now) I stayed far, far away from this lies perpetuated by this site

_pavedparadise:_ Then it’s a shame your abstinence was destroyed by Russian nesting dolls

_prongs:_ God, when you put it like that…

_prongs:_ I love that song, by the way

_prongs: _Big Yellow Taxi. Joni Mitchell. Off Ladies of the Canyon, 1970

_pavedparadise:_ How cultured of you

_prongs:_ That’s me :-)

_prongs:_ I love her other stuff, too

_pavedparadise:_ Ah, could it be?

_pavedparadise: _I seem to have gained a grudging respect for you

_pavedparadise: _“Grudging” being the operative word

_pavedparadise:_ What’s up with your screen name, anyway?

_prongs:_ I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you

_prongs:_ Suffice it to say it was bestowed upon me by the same friend whose ill-advised bet sealed my fate on this site

_prongs:_ For reference, he dubbed himself “Padfoot”

_pavedparadise: _Following…an unfortunate incident with a sanitary napkin?

_prongs: _THAT’S WHAT I SAID

_prongs: _No, because he’s “subtle AF” and would make “a fantastic spy”

_prongs: _Note the sarcasm pouring from my orifices

_pavedparadise: _Let’s put an unyielding ban on the word “orifices”, shall we?

_prongs: _It just seemed appropriate

_prongs: _This IS a dating site, after all

_pavedparadise:_ You’re not here to date, hon

_pavedparadise:_ Although, come to think of it, “Prongs” is a bit explicit, isn’t it?

_prongs:_ My other two friends are “Moony” and “Wormtail”

_pavedparadise:_ Good God

_pavedparadise: _Poor Wormtail

_prongs:_ Right? Prongs isn’t THAT explicit

_pavedparadise:_ …

_prongs: _What are you doing right now?

_pavedparadise:_ Like, right now? Or like, figuratively right now?

_prongs: _Are you being arbitrary because you’re on the toilet?

_pavedparadise:_ Yes, actually

_pavedparadise: _How’d you know?

_prongs: _Uncanny sixth sense 

_prongs:_ Also the cameras I’ve installed in your bathroom

_prongs: _If you could pick five songs to describe you, what would they be?

_pavedparadise: _Nothing by Khalid

_pavedparadise:_ Let’s just get that out of the way

_prongs: _Thank God

_prongs: _Nothing against the man. I just…

_pavedparadise:_ I know, I know. Overhyped. Stultifying

_prongs: _I love you

_pavedparadise: _You should’ve messaged me with THAT

_prongs: _It wouldn’t have worked. You’re pre-biased against love

_prongs:_ But can you please impose your anti-Khalid wisdom on Padfoot?

_pavedparadise:_ Not sure it would stick

_pavedparadise:_ Unlike the sanitary napkin

_prongs:_ HA

_prongs: _Okay, I’ve narrowed it down for you. Five Joni songs to describe you

_pavedparadise: _A Case of You. Gallery. All I Want. Wild Things Run Fast. Conversation

_prongs:_ That’s the weirdest mix ever

_prongs:_ I might actually like you

_pavedparadise:_ Can a social experiment lead to love? For this starstruck couple, it did (NOT CLICKBAIT)

_prongs: _Whoa there, cowperson

_pavedparadise:_ I know you shouldn’t give your gender out online, but “cowperson” is too disturbing a moniker for me not to correct you to “cowgirl”

_prongs:_ Why shouldn’t you give your gender out online??

_pavedparadise:_ Ah

_pavedparadise: _You clearly use he/him and were never warned about gender-discriminatory internet predators by your parents as a result

_pavedparadise: _Rightly or wrongly, that’s how it goes

_prongs:_ Oh

_prongs:_ You’re right

_pavedparadise:_ Well, it’s nice to meet you, Sir Prongs

_prongs:_ Likewise, Madam…?

_prongs: _“Pavedparadise” is a bit of a mouthful

_pavedparadise: _Let’s go with “Katya”

_pavedparadise: _While we’re on the subject of Russian nesting dolls

_prongs:_ Katya the cowperson

_pavedparadise:_ CowGIRL

_prongs:_ cowPERSON

_prongs:_ I have to say, you really shook things up with Wild Things Run Fast

_prongs:_ That was legendary

_pavedparadise:_ Well, I’m a legendary gal

_pavedparadise:_ And you? Five Joni songs?

_prongs: _Both Sides Now, Big Yellow Taxi, The Circle Game, Carey, This Flight Tonight

_pavedparadise:_ The Circle Game?!

_prongs:_ You can’t see me as a wounded, cartwheeling little boy?

_pavedparadise:_ Um…

_pavedparadise: _Yes to cartwheeling, no to wounded

_prongs:_ I am very wounded, Katya. Tragically so. There is a wound in me so deep and anguished that only a gentle Russian cowgirl can soothe its seeping mouth

_pavedparadise:_ Moratorium on the phrase “seeping mouth”

_pavedparadise:_ Also, I’m not gentle

_pavedparadise:_ Nor am I actually Russian. Is calling myself Katya cultural appropriation?

_prongs:_ Everything is cultural appropriation nowadays. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. But I do think you’ve gotta accept that sooner or later you’re going to commit some good old-fashioned cultural appropriation and make your peace with that

_pavedparadise: _Peace made

_prongs:_ That was fast

_prongs:_ Okay, so—eternity

_prongs:_ Discuss

_pavedparadise: _I thought you said that was a no-no on this site

_prongs:_ I’ve changed my mind

_prongs: _Also I’m bored out of my skull

_pavedparadise:_ I said I was scared of it already

_prongs: _And did not elaborate

_pavedparadise:_ Because you didn’t LET me! You said I was going to mess up your experiment

_prongs: _Now my experiment is hopelessly compromised by extended conversation with a subject and you should feel free to elaborate thoroughly

_pavedparadise: _Regardless, I’m feeling piqued

_prongs: _Katya, piqued, scowls into the middle distance

_pavedparadise:_ Prongs regretfully acknowledges the inadvisability of piquing Katya

_prongs:_ There is no way “pique” can be used like that

_pavedparadise:_ *Prongs regretfully acknowledges the inadvisability of pissing Katya off

_prongs:_ Actually, I don’t think you’re supposed to split up “pissing” and “off”

_prongs:_ Notice how I didn’t split up “split” and “up” :-)

_pavedparadise: _ANYWAY

_prongs:_ Right. Eternity

_pavedparadise: _I’m not really scared of eternity because of preconceived notions about death. I’m just AWFUL when I’m bored, so I’m terrified for the effect my toxic boredom will have on the poor fuckers around me

_prongs: _The point of eternity is that there’s no one around you

_pavedparadise: …_No? The point of eternity is that it lasts forever

_prongs: _Touché

_pavedparadise:_ Also, I haven’t really done my religious duty. so I might get treated fairly badly

_prongs:_ God would have to be a fool not to treat you well

_pavedparadise:_ Thanks?

_pavedparadise: _I appreciate casual blasphemy if it’s done on my behalf

_prongs: _That’s what I’m here for

_pavedparadise: _It’s story time

_prongs: _Ooh

_pavedparadise: _So I’ve been working at a little bakery in my hometown for the past three or four years

_pavedparadise: _Anyway, today I’d just opened the place up, and I was cleaning, and I looked up from the full-body process of wiping down one of our stupid tables—you have to kind of flop on your stomach to reach the end—and, lo and behold, there was an incredibly hot guy leaning against the counter. Watching me

_prongs: _Oh, it’s THIS kind of story

_pavedparadise: _Just wait for it

_pavedparadise: _Now, mind, I didn’t hear him come in. So my ass had been in the air for the last few minutes, waving around, and I was hoping desperately that he just happened to be gazing into the middle distance instead of at the massive target presented by my ass

_prongs: _Massive, you say?

_pavedparadise: _Hush

_pavedparadise: _He was definitely staring at my ass, though

_pavedparadise: _But I’m a model employee, of course, so I was just like, “Can I help you?” 

_pavedparadise: _And he smirked, eyeballed my unimpressive boobs (in my even more unimpressive XL work shirt!!!), and said, “Only if you need me to do a little more…RUBBING.”

_prongs: _What the fuck??!

_prongs: _That…

_prongs: _That doesn’t even make sense

_prongs: _It isn’t even the sort of come-on where you have to nod in admiration as you’re kicking his ass

_prongs: _(Speaking from the culturally appropriating and socially preferred standpoint of a guy, obviously)

_prongs: _So what did you do?

_pavedparadise: _I kicked him out

_prongs: _Really? Do you own the place?

_pavedparadise: _Nope. But the owner’s also a younger woman, so I figure she wouldn’t mind

_pavedparadise: _He wasn’t even angry. I just told him to please take his business elsewhere, and he laughed all the way out the door

_prongs: _God. Damn

_prongs: _Sometimes I am flabbergasted by the pure stupidity of the human race

_pavedparadise: _I’m particularly flabbergasted by how easily such stupidity can be concealed behind a pretty face

_prongs: _Can I get a better physical description of the guy? Like, was he Ryan Gosling level?

_pavedparadise: _NO ONE is Ryan Gosling level, Prongs

_pavedparadise: _But he really wasn’t bad

_pavedparadise: _Six feet, skinny, dark messy curls, dark eyes, freckles

_prongs: _Ah, of course

_prongs: _A shame I wasn’t there to tell you: the freckles are always a giveaway

_prongs: _Freckles=small dick=big ego

_pavedparadise: _I have freckles :-(

_prongs: _Girl edition: freckles=massive ass=unimpressive boobs

_pavedparadise: _Hey!!!

_prongs: _But don’t worry

_prongs: _You’ve got a heart as wide as the open road ;-)

_pavedparadise: _Do you get ALL your lines from bad country songs?

_pavedparadise: _God; the more I think about that, the less sense it makes

_pavedparadise: _The open road isn’t wide

_pavedparadise: _I don’t know where you’re from, but here in the western part of ’Murica, our highways are regulation width

_prongs: _You’ve got a heart as wide as a six-lane freeway ;-)

_pavedparadise: _With or without the roadkill?

_prongs: _Washington

_pavedparadise: _What?

_prongs: _Where I’m from. Washington State

_pavedparadise: _You’re not just supposed to admit that!

_pavedparadise: _I understand that the gender thing is based on a faulty, sexist system of parental warnings, but surely SOMEONE told you not to give out your address online?!

_prongs: _The site does filter by location

_prongs: _So I already know you live in Washington, too

_prongs: _Western Washington

_prongs: _To be precise

_pavedparadise: _Ugh

_prongs: _What’s the matter? Can’t handle my sleuthing capabilities?

_pavedparadise: _Maybe you should be the one named Padfoot

_prongs: _Don’t tell Padfoot

_pavedparadise: _I like Padfoot

_pavedparadise: _A man worldly enough to name himself after a feminine product is always a friend of mine

_prongs: _I doubt Padfoot could identify a single feminine product if you put a gun to his head

_pavedparadise: _…But surely? A tampon…?

_prongs: _Dubious

_prongs: _Can you see anything interesting from your window?

_pavedparadise: _Why; are you out there?

_prongs: _Yeah, I’m the naked one

_pavedparadise: _Which naked one?

_prongs: _Oh, you’d know ;-)

_pavedparadise: _Quit it with the winky faces!!!

_pavedparadise: _But yeah. I can. There’s this whole strand of beech trees, maybe twelve or thirteen of them, and they’re bending over almost to the ground. The wind just picked up

_prongs: _Anything else?

_pavedparadise: _There’s a cloud that looks like a dick

_prongs: _With or without balls?

_pavedparadise: _One ball

_prongs: _Ouch

_pavedparadise: _What can you see?

_prongs: _Padfoot feeding the goats

_pavedparadise: _You have goats?!

_prongs: _Are you one of those women who bypasses the physical and emotional qualities of a man in favor of his fondness for goats?

_pavedparadise: _I don’t know how to answer that

_prongs: _Well, I hate goats

_pavedparadise: _WHAT?

_pavedparadise: _I’ll take yours!!!!

_prongs: _Padfoot loves them too much

_pavedparadise: _Does he live with you, or does he just happen to be feeding your goats while you watch him from your window?

_prongs: _Lives with me

_prongs: _They’re his goats, really

_prongs: _He’s got a God-awful family. Old-money conservatives, which isn’t terrible in and of itself, I suppose, but they’re basically vampires on top of that

_prongs: _Physically abusive vampires

_prongs: _Set on extending the Trump administration for another fifty years through rigged lawsuits and ICE bribes

_pavedparadise: _You’re going to give me nightmares

_prongs: _Sirius has plenty

_pavedparadise: _Sirius?

_prongs: _*Padfoot

_pavedparadise: _That’s an odd name

_pavedparadise: _I could probably figure your identity out from that, you know

_prongs: _*Figure out your identity

_prongs: _Keep your phrases together

_pavedparadise: _Fuck you

_pavedparadise: _I could, though. Search “Adopted brother of disowned Sirius”, or something like that

_prongs: _Yeah? Do you want to?

_pavedparadise: _Not particularly

_pavedparadise: _It IS a bit frustrating that your profile contains no information other than a Shutterstock silhouette and the praying hands emoji

_pavedparadise: _What is that supposed to represent, anyway?

_prongs: _I’m your salvation, baby

_pavedparadise: _That missed the mark so completely that I can’t find the energy to more accurately critique it

_prongs: _Where’s your lengthy bio, then? Where’s your profile picture?

_pavedparadise: _You think I’d put my face up on a site like this?

_prongs: _I’m confused that your paranoia about Internet safety goes hand-in-hand with a presence on a dating site

_prongs: _We could just trade photos privately

_pavedparadise: _We don’t need to. You already know I have freckles

_prongs: _Wow, because that’s definitely all I need to know

_pavedparadise: _According to you it is

_pavedparadise: _Freckles, massive ass, unimpressive boobs

_pavedparadise: _You flatter me :-)

_prongs: _You know something?

_prongs: _I’ve never met an unimpressive pair of boobs in my LIFE

_pavedparadise: _How many have you met?

_prongs: _Oh, I’ve encountered quite a few in my time

_pavedparadise: _That sounds like false bravado to me. 

_pavedparadise: _I bet you have freckles, because you’ve definitely got the small dick, big ego vibe going on

_prongs: _I don’t have any freckles, but I do have really obnoxious glasses that slide down the bridge of my nose

_pavedparadise: _You do NOT

_prongs:_ And I have a mole on my left earlobe

_pavedparadise: _Like, on your earlobe?

_prongs: _Like, on my earlobe

_prongs: _Fascinating, I know

_prongs: _Now you owe me two Katya Feature Facts

_pavedparadise: _I have green eyes

_pavedparadise: _Also, you’re right. I don’t have unimpressive boobs

_pavedparadise: _They really don’t look good in the work shirt, though. I wasn’t lying about that


	2. ironic insinuation

_prongs: _Pets?

_pavedparadise: _No

_pavedparadise: _My sister’s allergic to everything under the sun. Including me

_prongs: _:-(

_prongs: _The sister makes her appearance, huh? Took her a while

_pavedparadise: _I try to keep her out of things for as long as possible

_pavedparadise: _That being said, it’s conceivable that she could someday message you from this account. I always log out, but her snooping knows no bounds

_prongs: _I look forward to it

_pavedparadise: _No. You really, really don’t

_pavedparadise: _Do you have pets besides your goats?

_prongs: _Only Padfoot and a cat named Algernon

_pavedparadise: _Cute

_prongs: _He leaps down onto my head when I’m sitting up against the headboard of my bed. But yeah, he’s all right

_pavedparadise: _He sounds like a man who knows what he wants

_prongs: _Well, he is MY cat

_pavedparadise: _Your praying hands are gone

_prongs: _I got a message from a user named ourlordinheaven69 who wanted to invite me to her online Bible study/sexual experimentation group (made possible by the recent polyamory preference added to the site’s selection)

_prongs: _The Lord, according to ourlordinheaven69, outlines three basic things his children should occupy themselves with…

_prongs: _Psalms, pscripture and PSEX!

_prongs: _I figured the praying hands were psending the wrong messages

_pavedparadise: _Update: Katya’s pique is replaced by acute, nauseated horror

_prongs:_ Sirius made an account just so he could join

_pavedparadise: _STOP

_pavedparadise: _I can actually feel my will to live draining from my body

_prongs: _Katya, no life means no psex :-(

_pavedparadise: _My braincells are committing psuicide

_pavedparadise: _My heart is losing function

_pavedparadise: _Not even Honey Nut Cheerios can save me now

_pavedparadise: _What’s Sirius’s account?

_prongs: _He’s psexfiend_padfoot

_prongs: _He’s already received eleven more message requests than I’ve had total, and his account has been active for just under an hour

_prongs: _If you hate your sister so much, why do you live with her?

_pavedparadise: _Don’t talk to me

_pavedparadise: _I’m performing a carefully orchestrated detox to clear the memory of ourlordinheaven69 from my scarred and emaciated mind

_prongs: _Already tried that

_prongs: _Coffee and cold showers were both ineffective

_pavedparadise: _I don’t live with her. I’m home from college for the summer

_prongs: _Where do you go?

_pavedparadise: _Whitman

_pavedparadise: _I’m twenty-one

_prongs: _I didn’t ask

_pavedparadise: _I want to make sure you’re not, like, ninety-five. So I volunteered

_prongs: _I’m twenty

_prongs: _Of course, I could be lying 

_pavedparadise: _I suppose it doesn’t really matter. It’s not like we have to negotiate any kind of power imbalance, since you’re in this for research purposes, and I’m just enjoying talking to someone who doesn’t turn their nose up at me as soon as I walk in the door

_prongs: _Is she that bad?

_pavedparadise: _Yeah

_prongs: _Can’t your parents do something?

_pavedparadise: _It’s just my dad now. He’s big on giving us freedom to work those things out

_pavedparadise: _We used to be super close, but she’s been getting meaner and meaner since our mom left. I think she’s jealous because I do so well in college

_pavedparadise: _Like, not academically. I do get good grades, but she’s pissed off because I fit in, get along with people. She went to Whitman, too, and she came home halfway through freshman year

_prongs: _Did she go back?

_pavedparadise: _No. She transferred to a community college. No one made her, but I think she blames it on me

_prongs: _There’s no shame in community college!

_pavedparadise: _Try telling that to Petunia

_prongs: _Her name is PETUNIA?!!

_pavedparadise: _I’m 99% certain there was a vase of them in the hospital room when she was born

_pavedparadise: _My mom is many things, but she is not particularly creative

_prongs: _Your name’s gotta be pretty bad, then

_pavedparadise: _It’s not. It’s fairly ordinary, actually

_pavedparadise: _What’s your story, though? Other than Sirius and your goats?

_prongs: _I go to the UW. English major

_pavedparadise: _Do you have a favorite poem?

_prongs: _Seriously?!

_pavedparadise: _What?

_prongs: _Okay, what are you majoring in?

_pavedparadise: _Economics and business management

_prongs: _Of course you are

_prongs: _Asking an English major for their favorite poem is like asking an economics major to…

_prongs: _Okay, yeah, there’s really no comparison

_prongs: _But it’s bad! I can assure you that you have committed an irreparable faux pas

_pavedparadise: _You’re just stalling

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _The More Loving One, by W. H. Auden

_pavedparadise: _Give me a second to look it up

_pavedparadise: _That’s not what I expected. From you

_prongs: _You sound pained

_pavedparadise: _Digital messaging can’t convey nuanced emotion, Prongs

_pavedparadise: _I’m…

_pavedparadise: _Impressed. A little out of my depth. I’ve read it four or five times and it still isn’t making sense

_prongs: _On the first few read-throughs, it’s not supposed to

_prongs: _Are there lines that stand out to you, though?

_pavedparadise: _Yeah

_pavedparadise: _“Were all stars to disappear or die, / I should learn to look at an empty sky / And feel its total dark sublime, / Though this might take me a little time.”

_pavedparadise: _It’s kind of…brutal

_prongs: _He has a particular talent for weaponizing the English language

_prongs: _That’s my favorite stanza, too, by the way

_pavedparadise: _Prongs and Katya reluctantly admit that they have something in common

_prongs: _:-)

_prongs: _Keep reading it. Let me know if it ever makes sense

_pavedparadise: _So you’re at the UW, you’re an English major, you keep goats (although not by choice), and you adopted your best friend

_pavedparadise: _Other family?

_prongs: _No other siblings. My parents died two years ago

_pavedparadise: _I’m sorry

_prongs: _It’s fine. They were old

_prongs: _They left the house to Sirius and me, but we managed to score an apartment near campus this year, so we’re probably going to sell. We’re just home for the summer to clean my parents’ place up

_prongs: _And buy goats, apparently. Like idiots

_pavedparadise: _*Clean up my parents’ place

_prongs: _You’re the worst

_pavedparadise: _I know

_pavedparadise: _Pretty impressive, though—an apartment near U Village? Prices aren’t exactly ideal right now

_prongs: _I didn’t mean to blow it off like that. My parents had a lot of money; I know how lucky I am to have a place like that

_prongs: _Also, we’re splitting the apartment six ways

_pavedparadise: _Six?

_prongs: _Me, Sirius, Moony, Wormtail, and two girls from school

_pavedparadise: _Oho

_pavedparadise:_ Girls

_prongs: _How heteronormative of you, Katya. Haven’t you considered that my interests may lie more towards XY chromosomes?

_pavedparadise: _I was ironically insinuating

_prongs: _As an English major, I can assure you that that is not the correct usage of irony

_pavedparadise: _No wonder you got all hot and bothered about piquing Katya

_prongs: _That sounds like a porn flick

_prongs: _Piquing Katya

_pavedparadise: _Thank you for that

_prongs: _In any case, my interests do in fact lie more towards XX chromosomes

_prongs: _And, of course, towards those unfairly born with XY chromosomes who identify as having XX chromosomes

_pavedparadise: _That was a nice little awkward clarification

_prongs: _I’m just trying to be included in your exclusive “worldly men who understand feminine products” category

_prongs: _Tell me about tampons, Katya

_prongs: _There’s really nothing I’d like more

_pavedparadise: _What are your goats’ names?

_prongs: _Beef, Chicken, and Tofu

_prongs: _Sirius protested, but I knew my talent for naming would prevail

_prongs: _Hey, I have a confession

_pavedparadise: _I’m not wearing my robes

_pavedparadise: _Come back during office hours

_prongs: _I joined this site for a bet, and I sent out winky faces by way of Grand Richard for a bet, but I’m not still talking to you because of any ongoing bet

_prongs: _I just wanted to make that clear

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I mean, I’m pretty sure that was already clarified at some point or another, but…

_pavedparadise:_ Thank you

_pavedparadise: _Also

_pavedparadise: _If you’re truly uncomfortable with the site, we could always switch to emailing or something

_prongs: _I’m not uncomfortable with the site!

_pavedparadise: _“If you want to discuss eternity, you should probably look somewhere besides this fucking site.” 

_pavedparadise: _“You don’t actually derive any kind of satisfaction out of frequenting a site like this, do you?” 

_pavedparadise: _“It’s why (until now) I stayed far, far away from the lies perpetuated by this site.”

_prongs: _How far back did you scroll to copy/paste that?!!

_pavedparadise: _Far enough

_prongs: _Look, I’m uncomfortable with this site as a means to achieve romantic ends

_prongs: _I have no problem with communicating over it

_pavedparadise: _Okay

_prongs: _But sooner or later you’re going to have to tell me why the hell you have an account when you both disparage love and value Internet safety

_pavedparadise: _What can you see from your window?

_prongs: _Chicken is humping Tofu

_pavedparadise: _I would have gone for Beef

_prongs: _Same! But there’s no accounting for taste

_prongs: _What about you?

_pavedparadise: _Wilting beeches. A Hummer

_prongs: _I don’t believe there’s anything in the world that I hate more than Hummers

_prongs: _Except maybe Sirius’s parents

_prongs: _And also broccoli

_prongs: _Don’t say it—you love broccoli. You love it. It is the reason you rise in the morning and the reason you’re reluctant to lay down at night

_pavedparadise: _I’d rather eat human fingernails than broccoli

_prongs: _That’s DISGUSTING

_pavedparadise: _It’s Petunia’s fiancé’s Hummer. It's dark purple

_prongs: _Name?

_pavedparadise: _Her fiancé or the Hummer?

_prongs: _Both

_pavedparadise: _The Hummer is actually female and named Sarah after an ex-girlfriend. The fiancé is named Vernon

_pavedparadise: _I think

_prongs: _You think?!

_pavedparadise: _We’ve only met once

_prongs: _You’re letting your sister marry a man you’ve only met once?

_pavedparadise: _I don’t have a lot of control over the situation, okay? 

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to imply anything

_prongs: _I mean, I did when I sent the message, but I regret it now

_pavedparadise: _It’s fine

_prongs: _Katya?

_pavedparadise: _What?

_prongs: _Are you mad at me?

_pavedparadise: _I believe we’ve already discussed the unreliable nature of digital messaging with regards to emotional intent

_prongs: _So…yes

_pavedparadise: _I’m not mad at YOU

_pavedparadise: _You’re just bearing the brunt of it because you’re entertaining and decent and the only person willing to talk to me over the summer!!!!!

_prongs: _You may have a slightly outsized impression of me

_pavedparadise: _I wish my mom hadn’t left

_prongs: _If you don’t mind me asking…

_pavedparadise: _She fell in love with her hunky law partner and took off for California

_pavedparadise: _Nothing extraordinary about it

_prongs: _I’m sorry, Katya

_pavedparadise: _Lily

_prongs: _?

_pavedparadise: _My name’s Lily

_prongs: _I’m James

_prongs: _I’m relieved to confirm that you’re not named Venus Flytrap

_prongs: _Also, thank you for telling me

_pavedparadise: _You’re an easy person to trust


	3. fuck you, yoda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've included direct quotes from both Auden and the Wikipedia entry on "Bovidae" and feel (for some reason) that this should be noted. Also, should you require more, The Needling is a great source of tasteless Seattle jokes--of which Burien is often the butt.

_pavedparadise: _How’s that Bible study/sexual experimentation group coming along?

_prongs: _You mean psexfiend_padfoot’s, I assume?

_pavedparadise: _I’m amused by the idea that there could be others

_prongs: _You wish

_prongs: _He’s learned all sorts of things. In fact, from what I hear, he’s already achieved the rank of Dominant Disciple

_pavedparadise: _That was awfully fast

_prongs: _Need I remind you of his eleven same-day message requests?

_pavedparadise: _Ah, right

_pavedparadise: _Does he have any dates lined up yet?

_prongs: _Two or three. But one’s with a guy in Burien, so I’ve already mentally scratched that one off the list

_pavedparadise: _What’s wrong with Burien?

_prongs: _?!!!????!!!!

_pavedparadise: _I’m kidding. Nice to know exactly how little faith you have in my Seattle street-smarts

_prongs: _*How little faith in my Seattle street-smarts you have

_pavedparadise: _Fuck you, Yoda

_prongs: _Caffeinated drink that describes your current mood?

_pavedparadise: _Are we doing Buzzfeed quizzes now?

_prongs: _It’s not a predictive question

_prongs: _It merely requires you to investigate the depths of your psyche

_pavedparadise: _And who doesn’t love doing that?

_pavedparadise: _Americano

_prongs: _Watered-down?

_pavedparadise: _:-| Bitter. You?

_prongs: _Is Unicorn Frappucino an acceptable answer?

_pavedparadise: _I mean, it’s your question

_prongs: _That means no. But I’m on board; there is no realm in which the Unicorn Frappucino is an acceptable anything

_prongs: _I’m an iced chai latte

_prongs: _Smooth, sweet, and satisfied

_pavedparadise: _I take it YOU have not had to wrangle idiots in an overheated bakery for the past eight hours?

_prongs: _I refuse to be intimidated by your pointed tone

_pavedparadise: _Digital messaging! Emotion! Et cetera!

_prongs: _No, no idiots were wrangled. Not in a bakery, at least

_prongs:_ Sirius and I made the goats little vests this morning, and then we tried to go to Whidbey Island with them, but they wouldn’t let us on the ferry

_pavedparadise: _Did you sneak on??

_prongs: _I wanted to. But for some reason the Vashon ferry allowed them, so we went there instead

_prongs: _I think the Vashon ferry captain was more sympathetic to their homemade Therapy Goat vests

_pavedparadise: _You can get arrested for faking that designation, can’t you?

_prongs: _We didn’t fake it!! Are you questioning the comfort my goats provide to the general populace???!!

_pavedparadise: _*Sirius’s goats

_prongs: _OKAY, so maybe I’m getting a bit attached to the stupid things!!!! Sue me!!!!

_pavedparadise: _I can feel the ice in your chai latte melting

_pavedparadise: _You’re getting dangerously hot and frothy

_pavedparadise: _Wait

_prongs: _Mmm-hmmmm

_prongs: _Talk dirty to me, Katya ;-)

_pavedparadise: _It’s Lily, you asshole

_prongs: _Oops

_prongs: _But anyway, the goats’ little horns butt up against your thighs when you walk them, and it’s surprisingly endearing. I even felt a certain fondness for Tofu when he pooped on the car deck of the ferry

_pavedparadise: _Oh my God

_pavedparadise: _How was Vashon, though?

_prongs: _Oh, you know

_prongs: _Pretty

_prongs: _Unvaccinated

_prongs: _Wouldn’t be surprised if the goats get measles

_prongs: _I think I’ll write an official complaint to the Whidbey ferry about their unwillingness to accomodate therapy goats

_pavedparadise: _Good luck with that

_pavedparadise: _Petunia and Vernon bought a dog yesterday

_prongs: _Is it as horrible as they are?

_pavedparadise: _Kind of. But cuter

_pavedparadise: _Anyway, Petunia decided this morning that she wasn’t prepared to make the committment to “raise him into adulthood”, so she foisted him off on me

_prongs: _Picture?!!

_pavedparadise: _One second

_prongs: _That’s not a dog…

_prongs: _That’s a RAT

_pavedparadise: _I baptized him “Thor”

_prongs: _As in the god?

_pavedparadise: _I have high expectations for my fluffy son

_prongs: _You do realize that you’re going back to college in the fall?!

_pavedparadise: _I can leave him with my dad. Though it will break my heart

_prongs: _Heartbreaking. Truly

_prongs: _I didn’t know they bred Chihuahuas with the Devil

_pavedparadise: _You’re just salty because he wouldn’t fit in a Therapy Goat vest

_prongs: _I know this is going to sound creepy, but are you sure I can’t have your address?

_pavedparadise: _Um, yeah? 

_prongs: _You said I was easy to trust

_pavedparadise: _I said that in a moment of weakness. A moment of weakness that you were definitely not supposed to take advantage of

_prongs: _:-(

_prongs: _Here’s the thing

_prongs: _“Therapy Goat” would be a fucking awesome T-shirt

_prongs: _But I’d need a place to deliver it

_pavedparadise: _Oh, God, I’m tempted

_prongs: _Alternatively, we could meet in person

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I’m not ready for that yet

_prongs: _I understand

_pavedparadise: _How about my PO box at Whitman? I just got my housing assignment last week

_prongs: _Oh, good idea

_prongs: _Send me the info when you can; I’m gonna order the shirt tomorrow

_pavedparadise: _Can I pay you back?

_prongs: _Absolutely not

_prongs: _This, my Lilyflower, is a Gift

_prongs: _Okay! It should be there next week

_prongs: _But no rush. I don’t know when you go back to school

_pavedparadise: _I am deeply indebted to you

_pavedparadise: _I’ll look so freaking cool

_pavedparadise: _I’m pretty sure a Therapy Goat T-shirt will SIGNIFICANTLY increase my position on the social hierarchy

_prongs: _Maybe (someday) Sirius and I can bring the goats out to visit

_pavedparadise: _At that point, I’d be too powerful for the Whitman campus to contain

_pavedparadise: _Wait

_pavedparadise: _FUCK

_pavedparadise: _JAMES

_pavedparadise: _WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE GOATS WHEN YOU MOVE INTO YOUR APARTMENT??!!!!

_prongs: _We’ll have to sell them

_prongs: _But obviously Sirius wants to bring them with us

_pavedparadise: _That would be infinitely cruel

_prongs: _…To both our housemates and the goats. I know

_prongs: _Actually, Mary would probably get on great with them

_pavedparadise: _Mary?

_prongs: _Housemate

_pavedparadise: _I see

_prongs: _Lovely woman. Gay as the day is long

_pavedparadise: _How is that relevant?

_prongs: _Uh-huh

_prongs: _Don’t pretend you’re not jealous

_prongs: _We might be able to keep the goats on the roof. There’s a bit of a garden up there

_prongs: _AND a railing. Relax

_pavedparadise: _I didn’t say anything about my concern over there being a railing. I think you’re just projecting your own sense of paternal fear and responsibility onto me

_prongs: _I have not felt, do not currently feel, and will never feel PATERNAL

_prongs: _Especially not about goats

_pavedparadise: _Oh, he talks a good game

_prongs: _Your Satanic rat could probably squeeze under the railing, though

_prongs: _Loki? Whatever the fuck its name is

_prongs: _Don’t bring it when you visit. I refuse to cover its funeral costs or face lawsuits for my roof railings

_pavedparadise: _“When” I visit

_prongs: _Well, you’ve got to see the cherry trees! And we’re right on your way :-)

_prongs: _Besides, I told Sirius about you. He’s writing a book on how to become a Dominant Disciple, and he thinks you’d be a good editor

_prongs: _Never mind he’s got an English major in the house with him

_pavedparadise: _I love Sirius

_prongs: _Funny story

_prongs: _I showed him a picture of a tampon yesterday, and he asked if it was a kitchen implement

_prongs: _I said yes

_prongs: _We WILL meet, though

_prongs: _The two of us

_prongs: _You and me

_prongs: _At some point

_prongs: _Right?

_pavedparadise: _I’ve been reading more Auden

_prongs: _Do your thoughts on Auden include an answer to my question?

_prongs: _You may have missed it (the question)

_prongs: _It’s right up there

_prongs: _Just scroll up and you’ll see it :-)

_pavedparadise: _You know how you said he weaponized the English language?

_prongs: _A concise analysis, I thought

_pavedparadise: _Me too, actually

_pavedparadise: _But anyway, I read Funeral Blues today and I’m not sure I’ll ever recover

_prongs: _Let me go refamiliarize myself with it

_prongs: _“The stars are not wanted now; put out every one / Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun…”

_prongs: _?

_pavedparadise: _Yeah, it was that couplet

_prongs: _I thought so

_prongs: _It’s the verb “dismantle” that does it for me

_pavedparadise: _God, it’s such a strong image. Like somehow it’s more powerful than if he had used “destroy” or “obliterate”, you know?

_pavedparadise: _I’m just picturing him caaaarefully unhooking pieces and caaaaarefully packing them into a box

_prongs: _To me, it feels like when you’re purging your room and you find some dumb piece of artwork you did a couple years ago, and instead of throwing it out like you know you should, you save it “for later”. And you swear you’ll look at it again

_pavedparadise: _But you never actually do

_prongs: _Exactly

_pavedparadise: _I’m still trying to make sense of your favorite. The More Loving One

_prongs: _And?

_pavedparadise: _Do you really want my inexpert commentary?

_prongs: _I do

_pavedparadise: _It’s almost…casual

_pavedparadise: _“Give a damn” and “hell” and “little” 

_pavedparadise: _But he’s clearly using that casual language to talk about high-level concepts: eternity. Nothingness

_pavedparadise: _It’s a funny contrast

_prongs: _That’s very perceptive

_pavedparadise: _Condescending, much?

_prongs: _What have we said about digital messaging and emotional intent??!!

_pavedparadise: _Oh, right

_prongs: _I mean it, Lily. That’s perceptive. A quarter of the lunkheads in my poetry class couldn’t articulate that

_prongs: _Another thing I like about Auden (and something I’m sure you’ve noticed) is that the endings of his poems are stronger than the beginnings. Every poem is about earning those last two lines

_pavedparadise: _There’s something pretty powerful about that

_prongs: _I’ve always thought so

_pavedparadise: _Are you going to teach?

_prongs: _Yup. I want to teach creative writing/poetry, but I think there’s about five job opportunities in the whole damn country for that, so I’ll probably end up stumbling through English 100 at some second-tier school

_pavedparadise: _:-/

_pavedparadise: _Do you write?

_prongs: _Yeah

_pavedparadise: _Poetry? Prose?

_prongs: _A little of each, actually

_prongs: _It’s largely shit, but I tell myself it’s the act of putting the words on paper that counts

_prongs: _Don’t ask to read it. I know that’s your next question

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _Guilty as charged

_prongs: _I’m kidding. You can read it if you want to, but I don’t want you to feel socially obliged. I’ve got thick skin; you can tell me if you’re just asking to be polite

_pavedparadise: _I’m not. I don’t have any illusions about how good it’s going to be, either

_prongs: _That’s refreshing

_prongs: _I’ll tell you what

_prongs: _I don’t particularly want to have to interpret the emotional content of whatever message you send in response

_prongs: _You can read it, but only in person

_pavedparadise: _It might be a while, then

_prongs: _I can wait

_prongs: _Bad news

_pavedparadise: _Legitimately bad, or entertainingly regrettable?

_prongs: _Legitimately bad

_pavedparadise: _Oh no

_prongs: _I talked to my other housemates

_prongs: _They think it’s only possible to get away with sneaking one (1) goat into the apartment

_prongs: _Do you know what this means?

_pavedparadise: _I’m not sure how this falls under the category of legitimately bad news

_prongs: _You were the one swearing at me in all caps about the goats’ future!!!

_prongs: _So I ask you again: do you know what this means?

_pavedparadise: _Oh my God

_pavedparadise: _You’re going to have to choose

_prongs: _Sirius is crying right now!

_prongs: _He’s lying on the floor of our kitchen, bawling his eyes out!!!!

_prongs: _He says he’s prepared to give up his Dominant Disciple cross-emblazoned boots!!!!!!!!! All he wants is adequate living space for his goats!!!!!!!!

_pavedparadise: _I actually feel a little teary myself

_prongs: _IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!

_pavedparadise: _Who are you going to choose?

_prongs: _Ugh; hell if I know

_prongs: _Sirius says he wants me to be in charge of choosing, because he thinks he’ll be accused of favoritism if he does it

_pavedparadise: _…By the other goats?

_prongs: _He says he trusts me to make the right choice

_pavedparadise: _That’s an awful lot of pressure on you

_prongs: _I know

_prongs: _I might need your help

_pavedparadise: _I mean, we can immediately rule out Tofu. From what I can tell, he’s the bovine equivalent of Burien

_prongs: _HA

_prongs: _“Bovine”? Goats?

_pavedparadise: _“The Bovidae are the biological family of cloven-hoofed, ruminant mammals that includes bison, African buffalo, water buffalo, antelopes, wildebeest, impala, gazelles, sheep, goats, muskoxen, and domestic cattle. A member of this family is called a bovid.”

_prongs: _What’s a “muskoxen”, anyway?

_pavedparadise: _I don’t know, but I want one

_prongs: _You already have a Satanic rat. I think you’re covered

_prongs: _Anyway, yes. We can eliminate the Burien Bovid

_pavedparadise: _It’s a tough call from there, though. Especially—I must say—with no frame of reference for either remaining goat

_prongs: _Your ignorance will ensure a truly unbiased selection

_prongs: _There’s no way they can accuse you of favoritism now

_pavedparadise: _Chicken

_prongs: _Really?!!!

_pavedparadise: _Don’t make me second-guess myself!

_prongs: _I’m not! I’m just surprised

_prongs: _I pegged you as a Beef fan, myself

_pavedparadise: _Well, Beef is clearly the more approachable goat, so I foresee a bright future for him wherever he ends up

_pavedparadise: _Whereas by choosing Chicken, I’m ensuring that he will continue to receive the same exemplary care he has always received from you and Sirius

_prongs: _Impeccable logic

_pavedparadise: _Thank you

_prongs: _I’ll let Sirius know

_prongs: _He says he loves you

_pavedparadise: _Aww! I love him, too

_prongs: _Maybe he’s the one who should be on this site with you, huh?

_pavedparadise: _Don’t be ridiculous

_prongs: _What does that mean?

_pavedparadise: _…

_prongs: _Lily?

_pavedparadise: _It means I like talking to you

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _Is that all?

_pavedparadise: _Don’t push your luck


	4. one of your questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for general descriptions of sexual harassment/pornography distributed without consent. Also, homophobic high school boys with Audis. I have nothing against Audis and would like my sentiments recorded for posterity's sake.
> 
> I struggled a bit with this chapter, so I hope it doesn't feel too OOC!

_prongs: _Caffeinated drink. Mood. Go

_pavedparadise: _Mountain Dew

_prongs: _GROSS

_pavedparadise: _I know. You?

_prongs: _Green tea

_pavedparadise: _How Zen of you

_prongs: _I have a lot of Buddhist summer reading that I’ve put off until this week

_prongs: _Reading it all at once is kind of like shooting up 

_prongs: _Except the needle is an ancient, massive book unavailable on Kindle, and the surge of poison through your veins is guidelines for nirvana

_pavedparadise: _That’s a questionable analogy for many reasons

_pavedparadise: _Case in point: I took one of those required Health courses last semester, and the professor had us look at a bunch of different examples of how drugs have become mainstream in the media. It’s gotten to the point where we need to mention them often in order to seem in tune with our everyday understanding of the world

_prongs: _Jesus

_prongs: _Fine

_prongs: _It’s like a Buddhist sugar rush, then

_pavedparadise: _I’ll spare you the lecture on how scientists have found that sugar is more addictive to rats than cocaine

_prongs: _Did they use Loki as a test subject?

_pavedparadise: _Shut up about Thor!!!!

_pavedparadise: _Actually, speaking of Thor—he’s potty-trained now :-)

_prongs: _I couldn’t be prouder

_prongs: _And hey…

_prongs: _Just so you know

_prongs: _I’m not into drugs

_pavedparadise: _I really didn’t think you were

_prongs: _I’m just clarifying

_prongs: _There’s a whole treasure trove of liquor that was left in my parents’ house when they died, but I haven’t touched it. I’d swear on a Bible

_prongs: _Or a sacred Buddhist text, if that would be preferable

_pavedparadise: _You’re clearly quite anxious that I might think less of you if you had

_prongs: _Am I wrong?

_pavedparadise: _Yes

_pavedparadise: _Drug abuse is one thing. Having a glass of wine—at age twenty—in your own home—is quite another

_prongs: _I’d just feel wrong. Personally

_pavedparadise: _That’s perfectly valid, too

_pavedparadise: _I had maybe four drinks total before I turned twenty-one

_prongs: _Then you went crazy, I assume

_pavedparadise: _I had two beers and threw up in the back of my best friend’s car

_pavedparadise: _I’m a lightweight

_prongs: _Two?!

_pavedparadise: _It was ignominious, but I’ve recovered

_pavedparadise: _The one thing that brings me comfort is that Petunia’s even worse than I am. She had a few sips of Vernon’s wine at dinner last night and had to be scraped off her chair with a spatula

_pavedparadise: _It was truly awful wine, to be fair

_prongs: _Did you choose it?

_pavedparadise: _God, no. Do you really think so little of me?

_pavedparadise: _My dad ordered a very nice bottle for the table, but Vernon decided he’d get his own glass. Then he made all of us try it

_pavedparadise: _I tipped thirty percent to cover the mess he made at dinner

_prongs: _He sounds exactly like a guy I used to know in high school

_pavedparadise: _Did this guy own a Hummer named after his ex-girlfriend, by chance?

_prongs: _He had an Audi

_prongs: _It was called Hellboy

_prongs: _He gave Sirius and me a ride home from a (very bad) party once, and he told us that driving Hellboy was like—excuse my language—“fucking the tightest c**t imaginable”

_prongs: _And because Sirius has no sense of self-preservation, he told the guy that the tightet c**t’s got nothing on an asshole, and that he (Sirius) had a few recommendations he could send the guy’s way

_prongs: _Fun times

_pavedparadise: _So Sirius has been out for a while, then?

_prongs: _Yes and no…That was the first time he came out to anyone other than my parents and me

_prongs: _It was kind of a power move. You two really should talk

_pavedparadise: _How did the Hellboy guy react?

_prongs: _Threw us out of the car

_prongs: _I’ve never heard brakes squeal that hard in my LIFE

_prongs: _He called Sirius a few choice words, too. It was fine, though; we came back later that night and chalked Hellboy’s back window

_prongs: _Kissy faces, hearts, “I love dick”—that sort of thing

_prongs: _Of course, no one in town cared, but the guy lost his shit. It was incredibly satisfying

_pavedparadise: _You and Sirius should start a vigilante justice movement

_prongs: _We have a bit of one going at the UW, actually

_pavedparadise: _Do tell?!

_prongs: _Well, us and Moony and Wormtail and Mary and Dorcas have an Instagram account that receives DMs from students who have been treated badly in various ways. We vet them as best we can, and then we go out and try to make it right

_prongs: _(We get sexual harassment complaints, mostly, which of course is a fairly tricky road to navigate nowadays)

_prongs: _Whatever justice we deliver, though, we try to deliver more or less harmlessly, just in case we’ve got the wrong person. You know—chalked windows, low-key pranks. We trust that if a student’s got a real case against someone, they won’t bring it to us

_pavedparadise: _You’re kind of amazing

_prongs: _I don’t know about that 

_pavedparadise: _You are!!! You’re a fucking superhero!!!!

_pavedparadise: _What’s the Instagram handle?!

_pavedparadise: _Actually, scratch that—I’m not sure I want to know

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _We can’t do this forever, Lily

_pavedparadise: _Do what?

_prongs: _Dance around each other

_pavedparadise: _I’m not sure what you’re implying

_prongs: _Oh, really?

_prongs: _You say I’m amazing. You tell me your secrets and your evil-sister angst. You give me your freaking PO box. But when it really comes down to trust-dependent situations, it’s different. You won’t trade pictures. You won’t tell me why you’re on this site. And you definitely won’t agree to meet in person

_prongs: _I’m just CONFUSED. I have no idea where we stand

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I’m sorry to be such an inconvenience

_prongs: _That’s not what I mean, and you know it

_prongs: _I just…

_prongs: _I really like you!!!!! And I want to know you! Real-you!

_pavedparadise: _This is real-me

_prongs: _But it’s only the digital part of real-you. I want to know ALL the parts!

_prongs: _Um

_prongs: _I didn’t intend for that to sound as sexual as it did

_pavedparadise: _Ha

_pavedparadise: _You know I only keep you around for the involuntary innuendos

_prongs: _And the goat updates

_pavedparadise: _…And the goat updates

_pavedparadise: _I really do appreciate you giving me space, but your smugness is showing

_prongs: _My…? Excuse me?

_pavedparadise: _Your smugness. You’re thinking, “Oh, if I just give her time to reconsider her priorities, she’ll confess every sordid secret, and that’ll be the end of that. Look at how much of a suffering, noble man I am in the wake of my relentless pursuit!!”

_prongs: _Wow. You nailed it

_pavedparadise: _The trouble is, you’re right

_prongs: _…

_pavedparadise: _But if I’m going to do this, I need you to shut up. Like, really shut up. Shut up to a degree that you have never shut up before 

_pavedparadise: _I’m going to send a lot of ugly, disjointed texts

_pavedparadise: _And I’m probably not going to remember to be smart and witty and pretentious and grammatically correct

_pavedparadise: _But you asked for real-me

_prongs: _I did

_pavedparadise: _All right

_pavedparadise: _Here goes 

_pavedparadise: _I know this sounds like a badly plotted coming-of-age novel or whatever, but I’ve always been the good girl. 4.0, swim team, lead in the plays, decent boyfriends who played baseball and tennis

_pavedparadise: _But then Mom left, and I sort of imploded

_pavedparadise: _I dyed my hair and quit swimming and went for long, reckless drives on my own

_pavedparadise: _I tried drinking, didn’t like it. Tried smoking, didn’t like it. Then I fooled around with a kid at a party and realized sex was more my style

_pavedparadise: _So I started to seek it out

_pavedparadise: _At first I just slept around in my hometown, but that got old fast

_pavedparadise: _One of my friends introduced me to dating sites when I turned eighteen

_pavedparadise: _It’s remarkably easy to arrange one-night stands if you know what you’re doing. (And it doesn’t involve either grand_richard02 or eternity clickbait)

_pavedparadise: _So I had a few of those

_pavedparadise: _More than a few, really

_pavedparadise: _Then I met a guy on here. Sev

_pavedparadise: _Very charming

_pavedparadise: _Very funny

_pavedparadise: _There was something a little off about him, but I didn’t think much of it because I was too busy throwing myself at his dick

_pavedparadise: _We messaged each other every minute of every hour of every day. Instant chemistry, I thought

_pavedparadise: _We met. We had sex

_pavedparadise: _Then we had sex again

_pavedparadise: _Then he took pictures of me naked and put them up online

_pavedparadise: _They were awful pictures—I was asleep, and he posed me

_pavedparadise: _I couldn’t get away from them. Everywhere I looked, some new Internet presence had reblogged them

_pavedparadise: _Petunia found them

_pavedparadise: _She told our dad

_pavedparadise: _Before our mom left, we had a pact—sisters before everything, that kind of shit. She could have come to me and asked what had happened. She could have HELPED me

_pavedparadise: _But instead she told Dad, who wanted to press charges

_pavedparadise: _I didn’t. I wanted it all over with. Gone

_pavedparadise: _And Petunia just wanted to not be associated with the girl who’d let her nude pictures be slapped up on the Web

_pavedparadise: _I didn’t let Dad press charges

_pavedparadise: _I blocked Sev, but I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of this account

_pavedparadise: _Don’t ask me why. Maybe I was hoping that someday I’d become well-adjusted enough to handle using it again. Maybe at that point I was still romantic or deluded enough to believe that a) love existed and b) it could potentially be found here

_pavedparadise: _Don’t get me wrong

_pavedparadise: _I’m not some wounded, bitter victim

_pavedparadise: _Mostly I’m just pissed

_pavedparadise: _Also, cautious

_pavedparadise: _Slightly scared, I guess?

_pavedparadise: _I can’t believe I’ve let myself tell you so much

_pavedparadise: _And yet I kind of like it: the Auden and the caffeinated drinks and the information that keeps slipping out of me in spite of myself

_pavedparadise: _Anyway

_pavedparadise: _I’m not looking for just-sex anymore

_pavedparadise: _I hope you know that

_pavedparadise: _I also hope you know that we wouldn’t be here right now if you’d messaged me from Grand Richard’s account instead of from Prongs’s

_pavedparadise: _I really like you, James

_pavedparadise: _I know I said that already. But I want to say it again

_pavedparadise: _You’re lovely. You make me laugh

_pavedparadise: _I’d like to meet

_pavedparadise: _I think we should each bring a friend, of course. And meet somewhere public. And go slow

_pavedparadise: _This is assuming I’m reading your intentions correctly; maybe you’re not even looking for the kind of relationship that requires “going slow” and involves being alone. In which case, sorry. I’m an idiot. And I think I lied to you about not believing in love, because even Sev couldn’t turn me off romance for good

_pavedparadise: _But I guess—regardless—I’m done being pissed and cautious and slightly scared

_pavedparadise: _So there it is

_pavedparadise: _All of it

_pavedparadise: _Do with it what you will

_prongs: _How do you want me to respond?

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I want you to ask me one of your questions

_prongs: _Okay

_prongs: _If you could only watch one scene from one movie for the rest of your life, which scene would it be?

_pavedparadise: _That’s a bit of a gimme, don’t you think?

_prongs: _Don’t rub it in. This is why Buzzfeed turned my job application down

_pavedparadise: _*Turned down my job application

_prongs: _For me, it’d be that scene from Avatar where it first pans over Hometree. I love that shit

_pavedparadise: _Huh. I don’t remember that part

_pavedparadise: _Avatar, the Last Airbender, right?

_prongs: _Good GOD

_prongs: _You uncultured swine!!!

_prongs: _Blue aliens? Pandora? Does the name Jake Sully ring any bells?

_pavedparadise: _Nope

_prongs: _We’re watching Avatar together. That’s nonnegotiable

_pavedparadise:_ If you say so

_pavedparadise: _Have you seen 27 Dresses?

_prongs: _Of course! Who do you take me for?

_pavedparadise: _Mine’s the scene in the bar, after the rainstorm. The Benny and the Jets one

_prongs: _“I cried like a baby at the Keller wedding.”

_pavedparadise: _Don’t!! I’m gonna cry

_prongs: _That scene is a work of art

_pavedparadise: _I go nuts for a good romantic turning point

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _Are you going nuts right now?

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I feel like maybe that could have been smoother

_prongs: _I’m trying my best

_prongs: _I can type out Benny and the Jets line by line, if that would be preferable

_pavedparadise: _Ask me another question

_prongs: _What’s your favorite phase of the moon?

_pavedparadise: _Waxing gibbous

_pavedparadise: _Obviously

_prongs: _Obviously

_pavedparadise: _You?

_prongs: _Full

_prongs: _My friends and I always go out together on the full moon. It’s how Moony got his nickname

_prongs: _I know it’s dumb

_pavedparadise: _No. I like that a lot, actually

_prongs: _Another question?

_pavedparadise: _Please

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _…

_pavedparadise: _Spit it out

_prongs: _Have you talked to that motherfucker since he fucked you over?

_pavedparadise: _I messaged him to say I was blocking him. And that I’d decided not to press charges, but I could easily change my mind 

_pavedparadise: _You sound angry

_prongs: _Of COURSE I’m angry!!!

_prongs: _There’s nothing I hate more than guys like that

_prongs: _And the idea of someone treating you badly…

_prongs: _This is a case where the ambiguous nature of digital messaging is not an issue

_prongs: _I sound pissed. I am pissed. If I was the sort of guy who punched things, I’d be punching things

_pavedparadise: _Could I have submitted my complaint to your vigilante Instagram?

_prongs: _If you wanted him murdered, yeah

_pavedparadise: _I don’t

_pavedparadise: _Well…that’s not entirely true

_pavedparadise: _Sometimes I do

_pavedparadise: _We paid a company to get all the pictures down. But there are a few that surface every once in a while. It’s usually when a new one comes up that I wouldn’t mind kicking the shit out of him

_prongs: _Lily

_prongs: _I’m so sorry I pushed you

_prongs: _I didn’t know

_prongs: _I didn’t know it was something like that. I shouldn’t have been so insistent that you trust me. I can understand why you’d never want to trust guys on dating sites again

_pavedparadise: _It wasn’t wrong of you to ask. Or to push—and it wasn’t really pushing

_pavedparadise: _It felt good to be honest with you

_prongs: _Yeah?

_pavedparadise: _Yeah

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _Can we meet?

_prongs: _Of course

_prongs: _Would Seattle Center be a good neutral location?

_pavedparadise: _Yes

_pavedparadise: _I’ll bring my friend Alice. She’s a black belt

_prongs: _Good choice. I’ll bring Sirius

_prongs: _He probably can’t do much to defend me, but he can tell a few good jokes while Alice is beating me up

_prongs: _Are you 100% sure you’re okay with meeting? If there’s anything I can do to make it easier, I want to know

_pavedparadise: _Wear your Therapy Goat T-shirt

_prongs: _That was already a given

_pavedparadise: _:-)

_prongs: _Also

_prongs: _I’m

_prongs: _I

_prongs: _Just to be clear

_prongs: _I’m looking for the kind of relationship that requires “going slow”

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _I’m glad

_pavedparadise: _So am I


	5. god save the e.p.a.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm late on this update, so I hope it satisfies!

_prongs: _“All I have is a voice / To undo the folded lie, / The romantic lie in the brain / Of the sensual man-in-the-street / And the lie of Authority / Whose buildings grope the sky…”

_prongs: _Good morning—and I do hope it’s a good one

_prongs: _At least a slightly better one than the one Auden seemed to be having on September 1st, 1939

_pavedparadise: _Don’t dump another poem on me! I’m still staggering under the load of The More Loving One

_pavedparadise: _Also, I’m going to a very trashy party tonight and I can’t hold onto any traces of my scholarly alter ego

_pavedparadise: _I’m pretty sure I’d be thrown out for quoting Auden

_prongs: _Alice will defend you

_pavedparadise: _She’s not going

_pavedparadise: _She has a date with her boyfriend

_prongs: _How inconvenient

_pavedparadise: _She’s going to help me get ready

_prongs: _I hesitate to even ask, but what are you wearing?

_pavedparadise: _Well, God, I don’t know yet!

_pavedparadise: _It’s only nine in the morning. I have plenty of time to try on each outfit in my closet and then chuck it on the ground in a seething fit of disgust

_pavedparadise: _Next Tuesday

_pavedparadise: _?

_prongs: _Yes

_prongs: _On the fountain side of the Armory

_pavedparadise: _It seems undignified to say it, but I can hardly wait

_prongs: _Any more information on your outfit?

_pavedparadise: _What do you think of halter tops?

_prongs: _On you? Or in general?

_pavedparadise: _You have no idea what my body’s like, so “on me” is a meaningless distinction

_prongs: _Oh, I beg to differ

_prongs: _I believe your unimpressive boobs would look fantastic in a halter top

_pavedparadise: _Suck my dick

_prongs: _Gladly

_pavedparadise: _I think I just met a friend of yours

_prongs: _?!!

_pavedparadise: _At the party

_pavedparadise: _He was very small and very drunk, and he said his name was Peter the first time I asked, but later on I asked again (I’m terrible with names) and he said it was Wormtail

_pavedparadise: _He was quite drunk at that point, but it didn’t seem like it could be a coincidence

_prongs: _Fuck

_prongs: _Yes…he’s a friend of mine

_prongs: _I hope he didn’t say anything about me

_pavedparadise: _He didn’t

_pavedparadise: _He tried to pick me up, though

_prongs: _Oh, he DIDN’T

_pavedparadise: _He did. He said something about the energy created by colliding particles and almost got kicked out of the party for even THAT clumsy physics reference

_prongs: _That was his line?!!

_prongs: _I GAVE HIM THAT LINE

_pavedparadise: _Well, it was a terrible Iine, so I’m not surprised

_prongs: _It was clever!!!!!!

_pavedparadise: _It was something

_pavedparadise: _Anyway, I laughed at him, and we got on fairly well after that. He had some advice about Petunia; apparently he has a horrible sister of his own

_prongs: _:-(

_pavedparadise: _Uh-oh, are we feeling jealous?

_prongs: _Pete saw you in a halter top, and I didn’t :-(

_pavedparadise: _That’s what happens when you fail to appreciate my boobs

_prongs: _You were the one who described them as “unimpressive”!!!

_pavedparadise: _A statement that—I will remind you—I later amended

_prongs: _What color was the halter top?

_pavedparadise: _Red

_pavedparadise: _I wore it with black high-waisted jeans and red heeled booties

_pavedparadise: _It was bold. But Alice approved, so I went for it

_prongs: _Aren’t you a ginger?

_pavedparadise: _…Yes?

_pavedparadise: _How’d you know?

_prongs: _You said you had freckles

_pavedparadise: _Jesus Christ. That doesn’t automatically mean I’m a ginger

_prongs: _But I was right, wasn’t I?

_prongs: _Anyway, can’t you gingers not wear red?

_pavedparadise: _Ordinary gingers don’t

_pavedparadise: _But I’m no ordinary ginger ;-)

_prongs: _Can you wear your halter top to Seattle Center?

_pavedparadise: _I was thinking of wearing a nun’s habit

_prongs: _That’s hot

_pavedparadise: _You’re incorrigible

_prongs: _I’m in a particularly feisty mood because we found a buyer for Tofu and she has zero (0) idea what she is getting into

_prongs: _She’s from Burien

_prongs: _No joke

_pavedparadise: _I’m trying to picture a goat surviving in Burien…

_prongs: _If anyone can hack it, Tofu can

_pavedparadise: _That new Auden

_pavedparadise: _“Grope the sky”

_pavedparadise: _I don’t really have a handle on what the poem’s about, but I’m picturing trees in winter. The beeches outside my window get intimate with the sky like that when they start to lose their leaves

_prongs: _So you’ve accepted the burden of another poem?

_pavedparadise: _I suppose. Really I’m just trying to stay busy until Tuesday

_prongs: _:-)

_pavedparadise: _I’m working the next few days, so that’ll keep me occupied. But today’s for Auden

_prongs: _And me

_pavedparadise: _And you

_pavedparadise: _And Vernon and Petunia, fucking in the room next door

_prongs: _Classing up the joint!

_pavedparadise: _I could always chalk the Hummer while they’re occupied

_prongs: _What would you write?

_pavedparadise: _“God save the E.P.A.”

_prongs: _HA

_pavedparadise: _I’d probably slap a Hillary magnet on the bumper, too

_prongs: _I have socks with Michelle Obama’s face on them

_pavedparadise: _I knew I liked you

_pavedparadise: _Can you wear them on Tuesday?

_prongs: _You got it

_prongs: _I’ll be the sharpest-dressed man for miles around 

_pavedparadise: _Out of curiosity

_pavedparadise: _Why Tuesday?

_prongs: _Um

_prongs: _You were the one who picked it, if you recall

_prongs: _My schedule was clear, so I figured it was best just to go along with it—especially since I’m the dumbass who’s been pestering you about meeting

_pavedparadise: _Well, I take it back. I’m feeling terrifically brave right now

_pavedparadise: _Let’s meet tomorrow

_prongs: _Really?!

_pavedparadise: _Really. I’ll trade my shift

_prongs: _I have to text Sirius

_pavedparadise: _Okay

_prongs: _He says he can come

_pavedparadise: _So—tomorrow’s all right? Noon?

_prongs: _I’ll be there

_prongs: _You’ll probably see me from space

_pavedparadise: _The Goat Therapy shirt?

_prongs: _That, too

_prongs: _I was mostly anticipating the huge-ass smile that’ll be lighting up my face

_pavedparadise: _What can you see from your window?

_prongs: _That’s my line

_prongs: _Orion

_prongs: _You?

_pavedparadise: _A plane

_pavedparadise: _Two planes. They look like they might crash into each other but I’m mature enough to realize that flight control’s got a better handle on their airspace than that

_prongs: _We can only hope 

_pavedparadise: _It’s your turn for a question

_prongs: _Use Joni Mitchell song titles to tell me how you’re feeling

_pavedparadise: _That’s not really a question, but I’ll forgive you

_pavedparadise: _You Turn Me On, I’m A Radio

_prongs: _That’s only one song

_pavedparadise: _I know

_prongs: _What—that’s it?

_pavedparadise: _You’re the English major. Haven’t they taught you about show-don’t-tell?

_prongs: _I don’t think that was show-don’t-tell

_pavedparadise: _Your turn :-)

_prongs: _…

_prongs: _Don’t Worry About Me / I Think I Understand / In France They Kiss On Main Street / Just Like Me

_pavedparadise: _Damn, I like that

_pavedparadise: _I want another go

_prongs: _Go for it. Redeem yourself

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _Sex Kills

_pavedparadise: _Help Me

_prongs: _I just snorted so fervently that I knocked over a lamp

_pavedparadise: _I’m glad to know I could play a part in the destruction of your household

_pavedparadise: _I’m going to bring you a doughnut from the bakery I work at

_pavedparadise: _But it will probably be cold by the time I get there

_prongs: _You could bring me anything and I’d be the happiest man alive

_pavedparadise: _I don’t think you want me to test that proclamation

_prongs: _Maybe not

_prongs: _What kind of doughnut?

_pavedparadise: _Chocolate glazed

_pavedparadise: _It seemed like a safe bet

_pavedparadise: _I would have asked you, but you took three hours to respond to my initial texts

_prongs: _That’s because you were up at five A.M.!

_prongs: _Who the hell wakes up at five A.M.?! Ever?!!

_pavedparadise: _I didn’t wake up at five. I woke up at four :-)

_prongs: _Why would you do something like that?

_pavedparadise: _I was only able to trade half of my shift, so I worked five to nine

_pavedparadise: _Now I’m in Alice’s car, en route to you!

_prongs: _I can’t believe I only have to wait two hours…

_prongs: …_To eat my doughnut

_pavedparadise: _Hey!

_prongs: _Chocolate glazed! My favorite!

_prongs: _I’m kidding

_prongs: _I can’t believe I only have to wait two hours to see your face

_prongs: _(And freckles. And massive ass. And unimpressive boobs)

_pavedparadise: _Keep talking like that and you won’t get to see any of those things

_prongs: _Don’t worry; I’ll be good

_prongs: _Now I have to put my phone down or I’m going to go insane

_prongs: _About to leave

_pavedparadise: _We’re at the crumpet shop by Pike Place

_pavedparadise: _Your doughnut is only slightly squashed

_pavedparadise: _I forgot how lovely Seattle is

_pavedparadise: _I don’t even really know what I’m saying anymore. I’m just horribly fucking nervous 

_pavedparadise: _I think you can tell. My text-to-minute ratio has never been higher

_pavedparadise: _I’m worried you’ll be ugly

_pavedparadise: _That was a joke

_prongs: _I won’t be ugly

_pavedparadise: _How reassuring

_pavedparadise: _Where are you?

_prongs: _Had to park up near Queen Anne. I think there’s a Storm game

_pavedparadise: _That explains it

_pavedparadise: _We’re stuck in traffic about six blocks away. I’ll tell Alice to take the first spot she sees

_pavedparadise: _James, my hands are shaking

_prongs: _Mine, too

_prongs: _I’m here. Outside the Armory

_prongs: _Sirius is in the bathroom with stomach cramps

_prongs: _I’m doing that horrible thing where I’m staring at my phone and occasionally faking a smile to make it seem like I have a social life

_pavedparadise: _I don’t make you smile for real?

_prongs: _Where are you? It’s 11:58

_pavedparadise: _I AM able to read a digital clock, you know

_pavedparadise: _We’re walking up past Cornish

_prongs: _I’m going to look away so I don’t see you first

_pavedparadise: _Me, too

_prongs: _Wait; that won’t work!

_pavedparadise: _I’ll have Alice look out for you

_pavedparadise: _Therapy Goat? Michelle Obama?

_prongs: _Yup. Can’t miss me

_prongs: _Is it wrong to just keep texting you all the way up until we meet?

_pavedparadise: _I don’t know

_pavedparadise: _I had the same question

_pavedparadise: _I don’t really want to stop, though

_prongs: _Where are you now?

_pavedparadise: _Stepping onto the green

_prongs: _Fuck

_pavedparadise: _Alice says she sees someone

_prongs: _Tell me when to look up

_pavedparadise: _Apparently it was an old woman

_prongs: _There are some similarities

_pavedparadise: _I feel really stupid, but I’m just gonna keep staring at my phone

_pavedparadise: _We’ll look up at the same moment, yeah?

_prongs: _Yeah

_prongs: _I’m going to be unappealingly sweaty and I apologize in advance for that

_pavedparadise: _Same. Don’t worry

_pavedparadise: _Oh, God

_pavedparadise: _Alice sees you

_pavedparadise: _She’s GIGGLING

_pavedparadise: _I can’t tell what kind of giggle it is!

_pavedparadise: _Were you lying? Are you really ugly? Sometimes she giggles when she sees really ugly guys in bars

_prongs: _What’s the right answer here?

_pavedparadise: _Okay, we’re coming down the path

_pavedparadise: _I’m pretty sure we’re, like, twenty feet from you

_prongs: _I can hear someone giggling

_pavedparadise: _James

_pavedparadise: _I

_pavedparadise: _If I’m not like what you thought—if I…

_prongs: _Lily

_prongs: _Remember

_prongs: _This is our first step

_prongs: _Our going-slow

_prongs: _And I already know it’ll be perfect

_prongs: _I already know YOU’LL be perfect

_prongs: _Because how could you be anything but?

_pavedparadise: _…

_pavedparadise: _Thank you

_prongs: _Of course

_prongs: _Look up on three?

_pavedparadise: _One

_prongs: _Two

_pavedparadise: _Three

_prongs: _:-)


	6. epilogue

_prongs: _I guess that was sort of all right

_prongs: _Mildly entertaining, if I’m being generous

_prongs: _With the highlight clearly being the flattened wreck you made of my doughnut

_pavedparadise: _It was edible! What more can you ask for?!

_prongs: _Fewer butt prints, perhaps?

_pavedparadise: _I did not SIT on your doughnut

_prongs: _I’m pretty sure you sat on my doughnut

_pavedparadise: _I won’t stand for this sort of abuse

_prongs: _No? You seemed to like it all right yesterday

_prongs: _You turned bright red every time I tried to flirt with you

_pavedparadise: _That’s because you’re terrible at flirting!

_prongs: _Or because you were as happy as I was

_pavedparadise: _God, I was ebullient

_prongs: _Was it okay? Really?

_pavedparadise: _It was better than okay

_pavedparadise: _It was…

_pavedparadise: _I was going to say it was like an Auden poem, but then I realized that Auden poems are all fairly depressing, and that impressing an English major with a metaphor is a useless endeavor

_prongs: _That would be a simile, actually

_pavedparadise: _Case in point

_prongs: _Do you want to know what my favorite part of yesterday was?

_pavedparadise: _I get the feeling you’re going to tell me whether I want you to or not

_prongs: _When Alice and Sirius went to get coffee

_prongs: _And we were sitting at the table across from each other

_pavedparadise: _Oh, God

_prongs: _And we were making eye contact, and then you said, “Fuck this,” and scooted around the table and gave me a hug

_pavedparadise: _So embarrassing

_prongs: _I can’t believe how beautiful you are

_prongs: _I can’t believe I know your last name!!

_pavedparadise: _My favorite part was the noise you made when I hugged you

_prongs: _We won’t talk about that

_prongs: _It was undignified

_pavedparadise: _It was incredibly endearing

_pavedparadise: _You make me happy, James Potter

_prongs: _You make me happier, Lily Evans

_pavedparadise: _Impossible

_prongs: _No, I can prove it

_prongs: _But you first…

_prongs: _Caffeinated drink that describes your mood?

_pavedparadise: _Unicorn frappucino

_pavedparadise: _Dammit

_prongs: _Me, too

_prongs: _We seem to have transcended the boundary of acceptable caffeinated drinks

_pavedparadise: _We must really like each other

_prongs: _Something like that

_prongs: _Okay—Joni Mitchell song titles?

_pavedparadise: _At Last / Love Puts On A New Face / Stay In Touch

_prongs: _That didn’t make any sense, but somehow I still know what you mean

_pavedparadise: _And you?

_prongs: _Why Do Fools Fall In Love

_prongs: _I Think I Understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested, I have a few more James-and-Lily fics. They're considerably more tragic, but maybe you need to balance yourself out after reading this ridiculous story.
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed!


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